LXXX

The Perks of Being a Wallflower, or at Least the Perks of Being Me 

Dear friend, 

      

     I know it's been a while; however, since we last met, I've been introduced to a new friend named Charlie. Like me, he craves milkshakes when high and has to deal with the repercussions of mental illness and sexual assault. I've bonded a lot with him. Also, what I learned most from him is a new phrase, "We accept the love we think we deserve." 

     Let me repeat that again, maybe it'll sink in better that way, "We accept the love we think we deserve." Maybe I pick guys who treat me like shit and allow them to do so because somewhere deep inside I'm afraid I'm only worth about as much as a piece of shit. I'm afraid of being abused, but I allowed my abuser to take advantage of me. Perhaps, because in the moment, I saw myself as nothing more than a victim. And in my wildest dreams, I never saw myself as a heroine. Maybe. Just maybe that explains things. Maybe it'll make things clearer for you as well. Even if it doesn't, thank you for listening to me ramble on. 

     As always, thanks for listening,

                                                    me

LXXIX

A Eulogy for Charlie the Cactus

Because, even though I adore plants, I am not gifted with a green thumb, poor Charlie (the cactus pictured above) has reached his inevitable end. Naturally, after caring for my plants and going through such lengths as to name them, I am quite sad as to his passing. Oddly enough, however, I have for some reason found my recently deceased cactus to be a metaphor for my relationships. 

There are two things plants need to grow -- light and water. I know this is quite rudimentary scientific information, but, please, indulge me for a minute. Of course, as you already know, too much of either sunlight or water can be detrimental for a plant. I believe this is the same for relationships, whether romantic or platonic. 

Relationships need water, or in other words, people need attention. Quite like how Charlie met his very tragic end, so do many of my relationships -- by over-watering. If you want a plant to grow, giving it two much water will only harm it. The same is true in relationships, when you want something so badly you try to force it or when you cling to the idea of a relationship so tightly you can't let go, you are running into dangerous territory. You must be confident enough in yourself that a relationship's outcome will not destroy you. 

In addition, relationships need sunlight You need time apart and time to recharge yourself. allowing yourself space to continue to find yourself, strengthen your soul, and follow your own aspirations is much needed to continue personal growth. Too much space in a relationship, however, can also be dangerous, for giving a person too little attention will portray the message of disinterest. 

Overall, it's about striking the perfect balance between spending time pursuing your goals and tending to yourself and between tending to your relationships and giving those around you their proper attention. Relationships, quite like growing plants, requires a balance that I still have yet to master. However, just attempting to achieve balance, I find, makes great strides towards attaining and maintaining healthy relationships.

LXXVIII

A Letter to the Guy Who Sexually Assaulted Me

Comfort level does not equal consent. I'm comfortable with having sex with a total stranger. Because I'm comfortable with it, does not give you a right to my body. No matter whether we're dating, strangers, or even married. I have a right to say no. You do not have a right to my body, regardless of my comfort level. I hope you'll someday be able to get that through your head, not for me, but for the sake of all the girls you date in the future. As for me, never will I be a victim of abuse ever again. 

LXXVII

Me First 

A few heart-wrenching breakups, a mental breakdown, and a quick stay at the mental hospital later, I've come to the conclusion that one must put himself or herself first. Loving everyone includes loving yourself. I must clarify, however, this does not give you a right to be selfish. Simply, you must honor your own needs and wishes. They must be valued as equally as you would value another person's. When you are loved and confident in who you are, you can share your love and confidence with others.  

LXXVI

Wasted Years 

Don't we all just spend our lives planning for tomorrow? Since birth, a child is destined to spend the majority of its childhood and young adulthood slaving away in school. We do so for a brighter future. Stuck in University classes I hate, I'm here because it's required for my intended career. I do all this, assuming that I will have a tomorrow and that I will live a life long enough to see the fruits of my labor. If I don't, however, then will all these years be wasted? Maybe I just need a break or some sort of exciting adventure...

LXXV

At the Time 

Almost midnight, a group of misfits wander into a local tattoo shop. Ready and waiting for my next tattoo, we start discussing the basic stick-and-poke tattoo on my foot. Defending myself, I exclaimed, "It seemed like a good idea at the time." Overhearing our conversation, one of the artists, pipes up, "One thing I've learned is, it's always a good idea at the time.

Pondering her words, I realized, at the time, our actions are what we need. Why let guilt or remorse plague us? All our decisions, even my stupid ones, usually stem from what I needed for the person I am at the moment, even when I stop by Starbucks too often with the sole purpose to see my ex-boyfriend. I can't beat myself up, for at the time, seeing him, among my many other mistakes, is what I needed.  

LXXIV

Better Yet, Fear of It. 

Alone, I sit waiting on my, for lack of a better term, date. With him running a good half hour behind, I'm forced into a time of reflection. In general, what is my motivation for this period of my life? Loneliness or, better yet, fear of it. I remain terrified of another person leaving me. I recognize that change is necessary, but I still remain scared. My so-called "date" I hold no affections for, yet crave his company as that of a lover. I act out of fear; I am afraid of being alone. 

The answer for such behavior lies in my fear of being left lonely, unloved, and abandoned. As a result, I turn to everything -- sex, drugs, alcohol, and even just casual company. Yet nothing satisfies. Living out of fear, I become a shell of a human, terrified to really live. 

LXXIII

Not All Men 

In the midst of the evening darkness, I embark to my favorite local coffee shop in need of an oasis. Pulling my beaten up, old Toyota into the small parking lot, I am met by a middle-aged man. Giving me his spiel, he follows it up by giving me his phone number and requesting money. Terrified, I hastily call my "boyfriend" who is meeting me there later. Trembling, I muster a response to his question, "honestly, I have no cash money on me at the moment." As I head for the shop, he walks with me, still talking. He is nothing but kind, yet I am completely terrified, rushing to seek refuge inside the building. I was afraid of being harmed by him. 

But not all men are like that. 

As a young woman, I'm often told to be careful and to not go out at night alone. However, I went nowhere dangerous. But in the moment, I was expecting getting mugged, or worse, raped. Because in the moment, or any moment, where I am alone with a man I don't know, I have to fear rape or sexual assault. Because not all men are rapists, but to me, they all have the potential to be.  

LXXII

We Are Made for More.

Broken. we lie broken. tainted. abused. under used. under appreciated.

Craving. we exist craving for perfection. for something more. something greater.

Flawed. we remain unaccepted. by others. by ourselves.

Longing. we were created for heaven. a higher calling. we are 

made for more.

LXXI

Humanity 

In the midst of the midnight darkness, three friends are reclining. Surrounding us, a cloud of smoke wafting through the air. Peaceful, we sit discussing art and literature, upon which a thesis is brought to my attention. Humanity is the same no matter where we are located. We cannot flee our problems, for they reside within us. There is no help in hiding from our problems. Conquering them is sought solely through facing them. 

Such is the curse of humanity.  

LXX

Only Love's Illusion

"And in the end, we were all just humans...drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness."

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

We, as humans, chase fleeting illusions of love, not the real thing. We seek a device to cure us of our extensive loneliness and pain. However, we look to other people and different substances as our cure. We use and abuse to get what we want -- an illusion of love to cure our pain. True love is selfless, caring, and forgiving. It does not rob, steal, or abuse. We, like all of humanity, are drunk on the idea that the illusion of love, not real love, could heal our brokenness. 

LXIX

Tender 

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness."

- Kurt Vonnegut 

Through heartbreak and strife, it is all to easy to close ourselves off to the world, to retreat into our own internal reality. However, retreating allows no room for growth. In the face of hardships, instead of avoiding conflict like a coward, we must embrace it with courage. Maybe the most courageous act one can perform when dealing with strife is to not close themselves off to the world. Becoming calloused benefits no one. In fact, it allows your troubles to conquer you. True victory is being able to withstand difficulties while remaining tender, still loving though you are faced with pain and hatred. Maybe, really succeeding is simply continuing to care and love when the world has given you a reason to give up.

LXVIII

Over-Caffeinated Anxiety

LXVII

Be Wholly Alive

Celebrating my last exam the best way I know how -- going to a concert. Standing room only, the Spoon concert was still packed with people viewing the concert through the lens of their cameras and phones. So absorbed in technology, we are unable to fully view a moment. To fully live life, we must forgo our distractions and fully engage in our environments, spiritually and emotionally. Ernest Hemingway phrases it best by saying, "Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep, really to sleep. Try as mush as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry.

You will be dead soon enough."

LXVI

Creativity Needs to Be Praised

With paint tainted fingers, I breathe in the world around me. While sipping on my coffee I pondered the many questions I've received wondering why my hands happened to be an array of blue hues. Shouldn't this be more common -- remnants of past creativity.

In our current culture creative outlets are undervalued. Banksy, the famed graffiti artist, receives hundred of thousands of dollars for each piece artwork. Yet, his form of expression still isn't considered art. Perhaps, it is because true, influential modern art work is underappreciated. Creative outlets, I believe are the most beneficial. It encourages creativity and supports individuality. Creativity needs to be praised.    

LXV

Over Caffeinated

Patiently sitting in a Starbucks typing on my computer like the rest of consumerism America, I've come to the realization that kindness is worth more than anything money can buy. Cliché, I know it is. Yet, an elderly gentleman approaching me complimenting my extensive doodle in my journal seemed to provide me with more excitement and energy than my venti Frappuccino. Perhaps, in our consumerist culture, we forget how to be social people. We drown ourselves in obscene amounts of caffeine, looking for energy and motivation. However, maybe our common drugs aren't the answer. We are running from the one thing that will provide us with joy and feeling because we are fearful of getting hurt -- we must seek interactions and relationships with those surrounding us. True depth in relationships just might aid to heal the never ending void in our souls.  

LXIV

What's Wrong with You? 

Patiently anticipating my routine appointment with my psychiatrist, I wait with the rest of the patients. Constantly drifting through my head is the same question, "I wonder why they are here?" Yet discussing the apparent issues is considered taboo.

Certainly, it is no secret that we are all broken in our own way. No need to ignore it, for we all have faults. Outwardly, we tirelessly construct an elaborate facade. However, inwardly we share the same shame, sin, guilt, and mistakes. We mask our true shortcomings for the sake of our personal pride and reputation. 

Transparency, apparently, is denounced by our surrounding culture. Instead, opaque  false personalities are in vogue.    

LXIII

Our Creation 

In his analysis "If I Had a Hammer", Friedman introduces the dangers of our current era, The Second Machine Age. Our enduring race against the machines is plaguing our society, economically and mentally. Fighting superior knowledge, we are becoming inferior to our own creations--the creation is overtaking the creator.
There's an ancient Hebrew tale which illustrates the lives of a city. In their quest for greatness, the people construct a massive tower, extending to the heavens, for they strived to reach God. Their vain attempt to reach their Creator was nothing more than craving power and control, for they seek equality with God. 
Likewise, our creation of technology is surpassing our own wealth of knowledge. The result is a bountiful supply of people, but no demand for their labor exists. 
With no purpose, we wallow in our misery and fear of our own inferiority. Lacking purpose, we gain mentally deterioration. Only the superior specimens of the human race can remotely compete with our overtaking creations. 
The Hebrew raconteurs' elaborate fabrications echo true in our modern era:
The creation is beginning to overtake the creator.      

LXII

Influencing

Innately, we all crave change. On a grand scale, we seek to change the world and leave an impact. Searching for significance, we look at the grand acts of history. However, we neglect the micro scale at which we can influence others. Fighting our way through throngs of people crowding a street, impatiently waiting to order the complicated Starbucks drink we constantly crave, and interacting with colleagues in the workforce, we come into contact with a plethora of people. Perhaps, we should start there. No great change came out of idle waiting. Instead of claiming we can make no significant change or simply waiting for the opportune moment to come along, we need to take action now. To create change, you start with those around you. By positively influencing others, we empower them to do the same. Truly, we contain greater power and importance than we can fathom.       

LXI

All You Need Is Love

All our troubles would disintegrate if only we could learn to love others more than ourselves. Without a motive of pure selfless love, even our most valiant deeds become empty and worthless. In a society plagued by the idea of "tolerance", we lose sight of what it means to truly love others. If we disagree with the popular opinion, we are immediately viewed as close-minded or prejudice. However, even then, those who are "right" parade their superior beliefs over the minorities. What happened to truly loving and accepting others, despite our flaws and differences? We are all severely poisoned by the motive of hatred. Only by accepting and upholding the value of loving others will cause our toughest problems melt away, for our hatred will be driven out.  

LX

Prozac Nation

It's impossible to emotionally identify with a story when what's portrayed is nothing more than your life and your own internal dialogue. Watching Prozac Nation, I never connected with the story, for emotionally, nothing in me changed. Battling clinical depression already, I saw nothing more than my own struggles and emotions projected onto another person's life. In conclusion, I realized our demons are all the same. Though depression results in a feeling of severe isolation, the 300 million Americans that suffer from it can take heart, for we all are fighting the same damn thing. In my struggle, I am nowhere near alone. Perhaps, I have too many others to fight this demon with me.  

LIX

Silence

Crowded, boisterous city streets. There I find myself drowning in a sea of people. An insignificant soul, I carry on as a part of my surrounding, conforming to the throngs of people travelling to and fro. I am simply a part of the ebb and flow of wondering souls trying to find our place in this world, or at the very least, our next location. Drifting on, I find myself in awe of my surroundings, for the constant noise and change of scenery captures my attention. However, surrounded by so much, I lose sight of myself. Only left in a solitary silence will I find who I truly am, for there in that silence the distractions melt away. Finally, I am left to deal with my true haunting nemesis--myself. Ultimately, no distraction can ever fully take my enemy away.