LXXIV

Better Yet, Fear of It. 

Alone, I sit waiting on my, for lack of a better term, date. With him running a good half hour behind, I'm forced into a time of reflection. In general, what is my motivation for this period of my life? Loneliness or, better yet, fear of it. I remain terrified of another person leaving me. I recognize that change is necessary, but I still remain scared. My so-called "date" I hold no affections for, yet crave his company as that of a lover. I act out of fear; I am afraid of being alone. 

The answer for such behavior lies in my fear of being left lonely, unloved, and abandoned. As a result, I turn to everything -- sex, drugs, alcohol, and even just casual company. Yet nothing satisfies. Living out of fear, I become a shell of a human, terrified to really live. 

LXXIII

Not All Men 

In the midst of the evening darkness, I embark to my favorite local coffee shop in need of an oasis. Pulling my beaten up, old Toyota into the small parking lot, I am met by a middle-aged man. Giving me his spiel, he follows it up by giving me his phone number and requesting money. Terrified, I hastily call my "boyfriend" who is meeting me there later. Trembling, I muster a response to his question, "honestly, I have no cash money on me at the moment." As I head for the shop, he walks with me, still talking. He is nothing but kind, yet I am completely terrified, rushing to seek refuge inside the building. I was afraid of being harmed by him. 

But not all men are like that. 

As a young woman, I'm often told to be careful and to not go out at night alone. However, I went nowhere dangerous. But in the moment, I was expecting getting mugged, or worse, raped. Because in the moment, or any moment, where I am alone with a man I don't know, I have to fear rape or sexual assault. Because not all men are rapists, but to me, they all have the potential to be.